It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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