My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
