last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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