The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
