it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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