It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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