the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
