I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
