doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
