I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
My ATM looks so different sober.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
