Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
