My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
