I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
