U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
