True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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