1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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