I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
