You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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