sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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