Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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