I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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