I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize