I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
