You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
