Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize