She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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