can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
