someone get that fucking seahorse.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize