You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
