I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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