How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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