Someone shit on the floor
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
