took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
