her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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