i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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