I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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