the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
