i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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