everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
