My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
