A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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