Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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