I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
