You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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