Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
