$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
