There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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