They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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