I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
