bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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