Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize