Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
