She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize