She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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