It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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