oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
