remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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